Before getting a girlfriend you should get a job at the Kmart phone complaint center and burn all your money. If you are happy then go for it.

Never burn bridges with bi-sexually curious suitemates. You might need the companionship later.

Without starving Africans there would be no Discovery channel documentaries with boobage on cable TV.

If I were to purchase half of the crap in Target that I do in Walmart, I'm pretty sure Kool and the Gang will be waiting by my car to tar me and cover me with the pink feathers from my Todd Oldham pillows.

Grapes are so fucking good. Why do they make raisins? Are raisins an attack on our country?

She had my penis hard faster than exposing it on Pluto

Every "innocent girl" I have ever been with has turned out to be freakier than a Chernobyl baby

I tried to sell my sperm but they said that they couldn't harvest sperm out of dirty socks and I get a bit gun shy in doctors offices since the last time I went to see Dr. Patel and wound up on hiddencameraanalprobes.com.

Fuck the doctor. I pass out when I see a beetle just cause it rhymes with needle.

God it would be so much easier if I were a girl and able to sell my body. I'd never work again.

I just tell the bank that I am poor and need that overdraft fee back to buy my AIDS medication or I die.

I haven't been this excited since I finally was able to get the tip of my own penis in my mouth.

In my new house I only have a computer desk and my bed. So if all goes as planned, I should have that jungle gym installed by Friday in order to make the "pedophile" status official.

I want a girl to slap around when they change my radio presets in my car. But most importantly, I want someone to slap around for not telling me before I slapped them that there were more than one set of presets.

I was beating my dick harder than a British nanny on an autistic child

I probably burn about 300 calories a day watching porn and then another 100 when someone walks in while I'm watching it and I try to hop to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.

Did you open a can of tuna or did Lollaplooza just kick off in our kitchen?

I haven't been this pissed since they canceled Night Court.

Hugh Hefner is the only man that any other man could give a blowjob to and still be considered straight.

I just got back from Barnes and Noble, because I read, and by read I mean scour through the magazines for the one opened Playboy.